Five Things You Probably Shouldn't Say to the Parent of a Kid with Special Needs
(or, well, five things I'd rather you not say to me)
(and hey, don't all kids have special needs somehow? because they're KIDS and stuff?)
(there was this camp in my town that was for "exceptional children" and I was always like "hey, I'm exceptional too! I want to go!" and as I grew up I thought, that's an odd euphemism)
(I digress)
1. How did it happen?
In our case, I actually don't know. But does it matter? It happened, and if I'm not volunteering the information, then I don't want to get into it. On the other hand, if I like you, I'll probably tell you the story and then you'll know. But the implication that something OMG HAPPENED irks me - particularly when the impression I get is that you're asking so you can somehow prevent it from happening to your kid and/or feel better that it didn't. At the very least, don't let this be the first thing you ask me.
2. I couldn't do what you do/How do you do it?
I don't know. I just do. This is my kid. How do you deal with a kid who runs away from you in a parking lot? A kid who talks back to you? A kid who suddenly won't stop saying your favorite curse word? You just do, but I have no idea how you do it. If you're a parent,
you do what you have to do, no matter what your kid is like. You have good days and bad days and days when you want to hop a plane to a warm place with foofy drinks that doesn't allow children.
3. Is she walking/talking/reading/potty trained/whatevering yet?
If I haven't volunteered this information, please don't ask. It just feels like a stressful or loaded question, particularly if it comes right after I tell you some of the amazing things she now
can do. She'll do things in her own time, and I'll be yelling from mountaintops when she does them.
4. Is she mentally challenged?
Yes, someone really asked me this. Yes, I was incredibly offended and found it
incredibly rude. It's none of your damn business and WHY DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? Again, in our case, it's not true and in fact my kid is super-duper smart (says her proud mama), but what if she was a bit behind or had some learning disabilities? I'll have either said so or will have left it unsaid. (And sometimes I do make sure to say up front that she's smart and understands just what you're saying because it's important to me that you know this, but that's me and my baggage and my issues.)
5. *silence*
Look, it's OK. Really. If I've brought it up when she's not with me, it's because I'm stating a fact. If I've brought it up when she's with me, it's just to explain why I'm carrying her or why she's using her walker or why she's screaming at you when all you did was say hello. Don't walk away from me, don't stop talking to me, and don't be afraid to ask honest, real questions. I'll answer them, even if the top four things seem like I won't. I'd rather have you ask then not ask. But it breaks my heart into a million pieces when you just walk away. Say "I'm not sure what to say" if that's all you have - I can work with that.
Oh and a bonus item - don't assume you know what her diagnosis is. I've given up on trying to figure out why kid X has a wheelchair and kid Y is nonverbal. It could be a million different things and it is not necessarily the hot diagnosis of the decade, OK?
Wee disclaimer: This is really not a universal type of list, it's all about me me me and some specific incidents that happened. We're all different, I just wanted to get some things off my chest. Thanks!