Picture of the Day - January 3, 2012

I don't know what I'd do without this place. It's a co-working space that has childcare - childcare that's more like a preschool than just a daycare, with the Reggio Emilia approach firmly in place. This summer I brought my daughter in and introduced them to her and asked if they could try to work with us. They were open, so we started with an hour and worked our way up to two hours. I stay on site (while that's by choice, I also have to based on the rules and the way I choose to use the service) and get work done (or catch up on TV shows) and she plays. We don't need it as much during the school year, but during breaks it's simply a lifesaver. I LOVE YOU BEAN.

Where It Gets Confusing - January 3, 2012

I had a long talk with Julia of Kidneys and Eyes on New Year's Eve about how I keep a lot hidden, bottled up, tucked away, and certainly NOT public or shared in this blog - particularly that relating to my daughter. I have a lot of reasons for that - fear of confrontation and nastiness, not sure if my daughter's story is mine to share, a general sense of privacy, a feeling that things like this just Are Not Spoken Of, and more. But after talking to Julia and feeling tired of feeling isolated, unsupported, adrift, I've decided to start writing more about that here, at least for now.

When my daughter was just about a year old, we were given her diagnosis of cerebral palsy. Before, I held out hope that she was just a bit behind or a bit delayed and that she'd catch up on her own. After, I thought I at least had a path. "OK, so we have a name for this and a diagnosis," I figured. "We have an answer and we can move forward, and we can start therapies, and we have nowhere to go but up up up." It's how I deal with things - I compartmentalize. I put that diagnosis in a box labeled "Cerebral Palsy" and I started filling that box with things I knew, things I learned, things I understood.

What got confusing for me is that the box...well, it wasn't quite as self contained as I'd hoped. I am not even talking about the shades of grey that involve a CP diagnosis or the fact that no two people are affected in the same way or even that my child's CP is apparently of the more unusual variety. I'm talking about how I believed CP was only going to affect her muscles. But no, it affects more than that.

When we try to take her into certain stores, she starts screaming for what is absolutely a reason to her but not an obvious one to me. If she's not in school, we can't go certain places, but we also don't always know what her triggers are. She's fine in some stores that are nearly identical. She's fine in the mall.
When strangers come out of nowhere and talk to her (usually store clerks), she flips out. And attacks US.
When people stare at her, she screams. While I do not blame her, sometimes those people are genuinely being kind and/or curious rather than having malicious intentions.
She's aggressive sometimes. She gets overwhelmed easily. She rips and destroys the same books she happily and politely reads on other occasions. She bites toys. She puts small things in her mouth and laughs. She lashes out. Her brain doesn't work the way my brain works--and logically I know this, but then I get surprised or confused or frustrated all over again.

I believe she'll grow out of a lot of this. I really do. I believe that with time and maturity, some of this will calm. I believe that she has a lot of pent-up frustrations from not being able to communicate her needs easily, particularly because she is so smart (and surprising me daily with what she knows, understands, absorbs). I know that sometimes a few steps forward in one aspect is accompanied by some steps backward in another. I know what her diagnoses are not and at least I have that. Funny to look at it that way, but sometimes I do.

But it is confusing. And tricky. And right now, it is so very, very hard. There is no manual or road map, there are no answers, and every day that box I tried to make disintegrates just a bit more and the dust makes me sputter and choke.

Picture of the Day - January 2, 2012

Yup, it's blurry. That's deliberate.

Happy New Year! - January 1, 2012

Some goals for my blog in 2012:

More openness.
More honesty.
More posts about raising a child with special needs.
More contests? More free stuff? More reviews? Maybe maybe maybe. I have one giveaway planned for a few weeks from now...
More posts, period.

And a 365 photo project that I was going to create elsewhere until I realized I have a perfectly good blog all set up here.

So, day one. This picture was actually taken a few days ago, but it's me and it seemed like a good place to start. A picture of me. And, so you know, until about 2 months ago I hid from cameras. Now I don't.

Fun facts: The shirt and jeans each cost a dollar at a thrift store. I never know what to do with my hands. I'm not wearing lipstick in this picture, which is unusual. I tagged the picture because old habits die hard. And in this picture I have lost over 20 pounds since I started in September of 2011, and I am decimal places away from my Weight Watchers goal.

Happy New Year!!!!!

Resolutions for 2012 - December 30, 2011

I know I said I wasn't going to do resolutions, but then I thought about how interesting it was to look back at them and see what I'd done and not done. I'm trying to make realistic ones this year. Here we go!

1. Maintain my weight loss and up my activity level so that I am also in good shape again. Hopefully my annual doctor visit will show me how beneficial this all has been.
2. Learn to crochet once and for all. I want to make this. I have too much yarn anyway, might as well use it again.
2a. Knitting again would also be nice. I miss it.
3. More driving. I slacked on this as the weather got colder, which I think is just how I roll (I don't like driving in bad weather. Or rain. Or the threat of rain.) so I have to ramp it back up when it warms up again. For real, 2012 is the year I drive to Edgewood.
4. A cleaner house. It's time to sort further through the piles and collections. In 2011 I did finally get rid of a LOT of baby gear and baby clothes. I need to do more of that. I also need to sort my own clothing one more time - stuff I'd hidden away because I'd never be able to wear it again suddenly is wearable. Other stuff is too big now and needs to be gotten rid of so I don't use it as an excuse to go back to where I was.
5. Again I'm setting a goal of 50 books in 2012. I have been dicking around on the Internet too much when I could be reading instead. I have lots of books and I have memberships to two library systems. It's time to read again.

I may come back and add more as I think of them. But this is a start!

End of the Year Meme List Thing - December 28, 2011

Apparently I did this last year, so I might as well be consistent and do it again this year.

(Secret - I'm writing this earlier than the 28th and just setting it to post. I'm so sneaky.)


1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
I joined Weight Watchers - and lost 20 pounds.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Apparently I kept two of them. (I did three craft shows, including one that was bigger than ones I'd done in the past, and I kept building on the stuff I have for sale at the co-op. I also pared down the baby gear - a pregnant friend got a TON of my stuff - and books - a lot went to Goodwill - though I can do better with the book paring. I didn't really wean off the Internet as I had wanted, I didn't read 50 books - I read about 30 though - and I didn't drive to the places on the list, though I did consistently drive to a bunch of places, drove to Target, and drove to Big Kroger a few times.) I had totally forgotten I'd made those. I don't think I'll make some for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yep.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not directly, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
Massachusetts, which is, as I noted in 2010, a country all its own.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A bit more confidence. More strength. And maybe 2012 is the year my daughter will take 10 steps in a row?

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This year feels like one big blur. The first summer after the first year of preschool was a struggle. Bean (a place) saved us. My daughter finally weaned. The last year of preschool began. I don't know!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Losing 20 pounds. Gaining three new freelance clients. Winning the milk frother. Nursing my daughter for four years and then gently weaning her when the time was right.

9. What was your biggest failure?
An overall feeling of laziness. And a messy house.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing too terrible.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new smartphone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My kid's. Always.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Certain candidates for a certain major political office.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My kid, same as last year. Plus weaning - that was exciting in all sorts of ways. The Tori Amos tour. Weight Watchers. Some really good sales. Winning a few online contests.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Shattering Sea.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? happier.
- richer or poorer? poorer.
- thinner or fatter? THINNER!!!!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Cleaning my house. Travel.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Paperwork. (Renewals, yuck.) Playing around online and wasting time.

20. How did you spend the holidays?
As I write this, we have no plans. That could change, I'll try to remember to update it.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
All over again, yes.

22. How many one-night stands?
Zerrrooooo.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
CBS Sunday Morning, always and forever. American Horror Story. Revenge and Ringer. Once Upon a Time. How I Met Your Mother. The Big Bang Theory. Two Broke Girls (I just love Kat Dennings, I am aware the show is problematic).

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes.

25. What was the best book you read?
Rejuvenile. Spoiled. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. The Wilder Life. The Girl's Guide to Homelessness. The Boy in the Moon. One Hundred Names for Love. Home/Birth. Road Map to Holland. (The worst book was the Land of Painted Caves. Ugh.)

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
I didn't see any new movies this year, which is sad. I watched Enchanted on DVD a lot. I checked a list of 2011 movies and I still would like to see 50/50, Melancholia, Bridesmaids, Super 8, Water for Elephants, the Muppets, and maybe War Horse.

27. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
"This fits again? YAY." I am slowly rediscovering tighter-fitting clothes. Skinny jeans. I love boots. The whole 80s revival. Good stuff.

28 Whom did you miss?
My friends in New England. My local friends who had babies (we all got busy). My friend who moved away temporarily.

29. Who was the best new person you met?
The rediscovery of an acquaintance who turned out to be an important friend.

30. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Get started. Stop putting it off, because once you start it, you're that much closer to your goal.

Picture of the Day (Norton Juster) - December 10, 2011

Norton Juster in Decatur, GA, on December 9, 2011

Thanks to some amazing people who work at one amazing independent children's bookstore, the city of Decatur, GA, held a several-month-long initiative called "On the Same Page" where everyone in the city was encouraged to read, share, and discuss the same book. The inaugural program selected one of my all-time favorite books, The Phantom Tollbooth. And the grand finale of this program was a visit from Norton Juster.

When it was my turn to meet him and have my book signed, I got choked up. I had about 5 whole seconds in which to tell him how much that book meant to me as a kid. And he was so warm and genuine in his response, telling me it meant a lot to hear that. I shook his hand (I actually clasped his hand in both of mine) and then off I floated.

If you haven't read The Phantom Tollbooth, I suggest you stop what you're doing and go out to get either the 50th anniversary edition or the new annotated edition (the one I now have) and to read it yourself or to share it with the children in your life.